Write It, But Don’t Send It

You will get your buttons pushed as a leader.

How will you respond?

You might recognize this experience. It happens to us all. The email arrives in your inbox. You read it. Your pulse quickens. The red mist descends.

How could they say that? They're wrong! This is unfair!

And you hit reply, and you right those wrongs. You tell them! You respond to every single thing, pointing out how it's wrong and unfair. You add your boss and their boss in CC. And you hit send.

A few minutes later, you've calmed down. You take a breath. And you read the email you just sent.

Oh no.

Did you really call the head of finance an incompetent buffoon? Did you actually say they were about as useful as a chocolate teapot? Did you really impugn their parental legitimacy?

Your messaging system pings with a message from your boss..."Can we have a chat...?"

What's Happening?

So what's happening in this situation? You've experienced something sometimes called 'an amygdala hijack'. The amygdala is a small part of your brain, about the size of a couple of large almonds, near the top of your spine. It's one of the oldest parts of our brain, evolutionarily speaking, and part of its function is to help protect us from danger. When a threat is detected, this triggers your fight or flight response, and your blood rushes to this part of the brain, away from your prefrontal cortex, where more rational thinking happens.

We evolved to respond to threats in this way - for us to react instantly when attacked by a lion, for example. In most every day situations, however, it's not a lion, but Bob from Accounts. The same physical response is triggered in our brain though, whether it's a lion or Bob.

This is assuming you don't work in the lion enclosure at a zoo or in certain parts of sub-Saharan Africa. In which case, best to listen to the fight or flight response.

More cute pup than terrifying lion

A Better Way

This is a lesson I learned very early on in my career. It's easy for the quick emotional response - that seems perfect at that moment - to actually be a disaster. While I think it's important to be aware of and in tune with your emotions, it is rarely a good idea to handle a difficult situation emotionally.

So here's a better approach.

• Step 1: Hit reply on the message

• Step 2: This is very important - Delete the names out of the To: and CC: lines

• Step 3: Write the emotional response. Don't hold back.

• Step 4: Walk away, for at least an hour, ideally for a day.

• Step 5: Delete the message.

• Step 6: Write the proper response.

This allows you to do the emotional venting that will make you feel better, and then write a more reasoned, considered response that will likely be more effective.

You can do similar in messaging apps (MS Teams, Slack etc.) but be aware of the risk of sending the emotional response by accident. Perhaps in this case write it in a separate document rather than the chat.

It's simple, but works.

You'll notice over time that you can be more aware of when you're experiencing an amygdala hijack, and reduce its impact. Physiologically you'll still need a little time to allow your rational brain to re-engage, but awareness helps.

Try this out...and try not to lose your temper with poor Bob from Accounts.

When you're ready, I offer 1:1 coaching for leaders who are looking to take their life and career to the next level. Send me an email and we'll set up a time to have a chat.

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